I can’t begin to explain the struggle I am going through both internally with Morgellons and spiritually, but this song does a good job of explaining the internal struggle. You guys only see me through this blog and might mistakenly think I have it together. Well, to be honest the truth is far from it, I was nearly crushed by this experience and drifted away from the Lord and was doing so even before this happened, and there is still a distance there, maybe many of you feel the same way. I often hope the reason this happened is to drive me back to his presence like the prodigal son.
However, during this experience I lost a part of what I once had that I’ve not been able to reclaim, the thought of being lost is ever on my mind. There was a time when I could read the Bible in Greek and was on fire for the Lord, but now, though I find great comfort in knowing He is there, that is all He is, there, and I’m over here. You don’t have to comment, I’m not looking for pity or even comfort, I’m beyond encouragement right now, this is something I have to work through, it’s been going on for a while now, maybe years. I need to find the way back to the place where when I read His word it "took my breath away", and I mean literally there were times like that.
I know there are probably many of you out there that can relate with me, the truth is there is a bitterness in me, along with a disgusting self pity that I just hate. The story of the seed sprinkled along the path haunts me greatly. In order for me to recover from Morgellons completely I think I have to find my way back to where I once was. Honestly, I just wish for 30 seconds I could see Jesus and hear him say "It’s okay you have not failed and are not forsaken”. I’m sorry to get so personal, it’s a lack of faith.