I can’t begin to explain the struggle I am going through both internally with Morgellons and spiritually, but this song does a good job of explaining the internal struggle. You guys only see me through this blog and might mistakenly think I have it together. Well, to be honest the truth is far from it, I was nearly crushed by this experience and drifted away from the Lord and was doing so even before this happened, and there is still a distance there, maybe many of you feel the same way. I often hope the reason this happened is to drive me back to his presence like the prodigal son.

However, during this experience I lost a part of what I once had that I’ve not been able to reclaim, the thought of being lost is ever on my mind. There was a time when I could read the Bible in Greek and was on fire for the Lord, but now, though I find great comfort in knowing He is there, that is all He is, there, and I’m over here. You don’t have to comment, I’m not looking for pity or even comfort, I’m beyond encouragement right now, this is something I have to work through, it’s been going on for a while now, maybe years. I need to find the way back to the place where when I read His word it "took my breath away", and I mean literally there were times like that.

I know there are probably many of you out there that can relate with me, the truth is there is a bitterness in me, along with a disgusting self pity that I just hate. The story of the seed sprinkled along the path haunts me greatly. In order for me to recover from Morgellons completely I think I have to find my way back to where I once was. Honestly, I just wish for 30 seconds I could see Jesus and hear him say "It’s okay you have not failed and are not forsaken”. I’m sorry to get so personal, it’s a lack of faith.

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Comments on: "Show me how far the East is from the West" (22)

  1. Mr. CS,

    You are not alone.

    I have struggled with debilitating fear all of my life. It seemed that no matter how strong my faith was, a fearful situation would come along, my faith would fly out of the window, and I would just cower in fear and dread.

    Back in 1999, I found the answer to my fear. I memorized Psalm 91, and adopted it as absolute truth–for me. The verse that sums the whole Psalm up is probably this one: “Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge, your habitation, there shall no evil befall you, neither shall any plague come near your dwelling. For He shall give His angels charge over you to keep you in all your ways.”

    It worked. I believed it to the core, and finally my fear was under control. I just KNEW that God would ALWAYS protect me. And when I visited my sister who has Morgellons, I felt immune to it… safe…. protected, because the Bible said “no plague will come near my dwelling.”

    Well, I got Morgellons. I didn’t get a small case of it. I got slammed with the full blast of it… the springtails, the little beetles, and several kinds of flies. I could watch the little brown fly larvae crawl if I scraped away a scab. Live flies were hatching out of my head and my back. Huge fungal blooms would sprout up in white, cottony patches on my shoulders.

    I went to my dermatologist, expecting him to tell me I was delusional. Instead he recognized the condition, was horrified, and refused to treat me. “Go to another doctor,” he told me.

    “Well can you refer me to another doctor? I asked.

    “No,” he replied.

    “Well, do you know a tropical disease expert in the area you could refer me to?”

    “No.”

    “Well, can you give me an antibiotic and antifungal?”

    “No.”

    He said he could treat me for scabies, so prescribed permethrin cream for me, and made it clear I was not welcome back in his office. I left there feeling like I had been given a death sentence.

    I wrote Emory University Hospital because I heard they had a tropical disease research division, but my letter came back.

    I felt like God had hung me out to dry. He had been EVERYTHING to me for years. I TRUSTED Him. The sense of betrayal knocked me for a loop that I am not fully recovered from.

    I know this has to be a test of some kind. A Job thing. And I do love God dearly. And I do still trust Him… about the eternal things. But my trust that He will protect me and keep me here has been sorely shaken.

    I have tried to rationalize away why the promises of Psalm 91 did not apply to me. Maybe I didn’t “dwell in the secret place of the Most High,” although I surely thought I did. Maybe I didn’t make the Lord “my habitation,” although I believed I had.

    I long for that closeness with God again, but my trust really has been shaken. I guess that’s what trials are supposed to do… show you the weakness of your faith so you can overcome the weaknesses. But I honestly don’t know where to go from here. WHICH promises do I trust now? I am pretty much to the point of only being sure of the ones that say “whosoever.”

    And I hate that. I want to trust Him like I used to.

    BTW, the permethrin cream did get rid of the larvae. But I have hundreds… and I am not exaggerating… maybe thousands of hairs and fibers and lint balls every day.

  2. Dear Mr. CS,

    This touched me so deeply.
    It means a whole lot,and I truly understand we all have our own key to Gods heart to find peace.
    We can be assured that because He has delivered us before -He will do it again.
    I am so blessed you stepped up to share this .
    It seems trite but because of my age I have seen this proven often,the hardest times come before victories.

    Please,I hope it matters that I care and understand,this disease is relentless.
    I will be praying in earnest for you.

    I am exactly where you are,I cry every day,cry myself to sleep because of this isolation,and even people who are close people who won’t let you past their front door.
    I cry every day because of the coldness in my heart that has developed from wanting so desperately to be well,I just want to be well,and bring as many with me as possible.
    My heart grows cold because while I am working 24/7 all the aggressive posturig going on around me-

    I am -in earnest going to pray/fast and ask God MRcs that God will bring us back -put a guard around our hearts to be ‘JUST HIS’ no one elses,and how that all shakes out according to His perfect wisdom.

    We are in desperate need of His ability to discern ,be strong,and hear ONLY HIM clearly.
    I just want my Fathers safe lap to climb into- He will protect and love us,and promises when we seek Him He will be found.

    ***Jhn 5:30 I can of mine own self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me.

    ***Pro 8:17 I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me.

    ***Jer 29:13 And ye shall seek me, and find [me], when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

    God Bless you my friend,
    Pamela MAe

  3. MCS, would you be hosting this forum, trying to help people and talking about God if you did not have morgellon’s?

    There is a REASON why God has allowed some of His children to get this stuff.

    Paul was such a close friend of God’s that he was allowed to visit Heaven, yet God did not answer his prayers to be delivered from an affliction. God had a REASON not to heal Paul. And don’t forget Job.

    You are a wonderful blessing to me. I wouldn’t know what to do if you and the wonderful people on this board were not there for me. Could that be one of the reasons that you have moregellon’s?

    • Sister to Common Sense said:

      You are a blessing to all MRC, your holistic approach to this is amazing. I want to say that I believe that God is a Loving God this is how I was raised. A Loving God does not give this to people but a loving God give us the power to take it away.
      Many rivers to cross, until I find my way home.
      Some rivers are deeper than other.
      Be Blessed We Love you,
      Sister to Common Sense

  4. Sister to Common Sense said:

    I have been now exposed to over 300 morgellons patients. They are my friends and loved by my husband and I. I do not have this but God gave me the eyes to see it, I do not know why.
    God sent me to California to meet Arnel Lindgren and Bengt Roberts and to see so many with this.
    God has sent people to me everyday, everyone who has a different take on this disease and this toxic syndrome.
    Everyone has a theory, which I say is no all one size fits all exposure to soil, mold, pesticides, dirty water, flooding homes and pestulance and the garbage in our foods. We need to look back at the “rotting terrain” when people have died in my eyes the body decomposes from living flesh, to rotting flesh. We need to go back to the terrain and our environment and our foods.
    We need to change our lifestyles, what we eat and what toxins we put on our skin and in our homes.
    I have recently spoken to a man in indonesia in regard to essential oils, Tamanu which kills many bacterium, Tea Tree, Rosewood, Neem, Grapefruit extracts, Tumeric, wormwood, blackwalnut tincture, cedarwood and rosewood,franckensense, spices and myrrh. These are used by indigenous countries to treat wounds. They are biblical and are bacteriocidals this, also included Olive leaf extract, pomergranite, shea, coconut, mango and many others.
    I think Kathleen Ms Uncommon Sense should be spoken to, she is in remission as are many others.
    Sister to Common Sense

  5. Mr CS, Thank you so much for your openness and honesty. You are an amazing man and God is using you in mighty ways,, and this is even when you don’t feel as close to God or are angry. Just think what you will be doing once the passion and power return even greater than you ever had before. Watch out devil, Oh how exciting!!!!! Oh I can’t wait to see or hear!
    God loves you so much and it is okay to be angry with God. He knows our hearts so we might as well be honest about it.
    I have had those same struggles and thoughts, even worse. Once when I was so infested with bird mites, me- a God fearing, strong Christian woman- a mighty warrior/intercessor, someone so in love with Jesus since a little girl, was so desperate I even thought about selling my soul to the devil, just to get some relief- like that would have worked or have done anything but brought more pain and – yikes I can’t even begin to think of that, that really would have been the end of me!
    But can you believe that,,,, so don’t ever feel down on yourself. We are only human. Oh and by the way, luckily my Mom brought me back to my senses and I rebuked that thought and never considered that again. WE all know that the devil is a liar anyhow!!!!!!!
    You are a man mighty man of God mr cs. God has a plan for you and even for you getting this disease. One time I was so upset about my body- embarrassing sores on my face, bad crawling sensation, itchy skin and so hungry for sweets, and I was crying out to the Lord and God said to me, why are you so upset Kim about just one part of you, you are spirit, soul and body, not just body! I can’t explain it but it brought me such relief. It was a “wow” moment.
    Another “wow” time I was so upset, ready to have a pity party again and complain and cry to my husband and I was thinking of all I will say, all the woe is me stuff. I wanted it rehearsed and extra good and when I was thinking of Joe’s (my husband) response, I heard in my head Joe say “Am I God Kim ??”, and at that moment peace filled every bit of my being. I thought that is correct, God has allowed this to happen, and God is LOVE and He is in control so it will all work out! I don’t know how but God does- somehow it just will! I will just trust Him, my part is easy. He has the hard part(but really for God is anything hard)Yay!!!! That sorry for myself stuff left and never came back. All from a make believe conversation in my head, LOL. I know it was the Holy Spirit that was at work.
    Sorry to go on and on but if you can’t tell already, I LOVE to write- one of my passions. Anyhow I will say the only thing I intended to say to you, I will be praying for you. Both myself and Pammie will pray- you have our word!!!! God is still the MOUNTAIN MOVER! Be encouraged!

  6. Sister to Common Sense said:

    Many Rivers to Cross to Mr Common Sense and all Suffering

    Sister to Common Sense

  7. herehoping said:

    Look at the cross

  8. Mr. CS,

    I owe you a DEEP apology for my original post.

    I missed the whole gist of what you were saying. I can’t watch the video because I have an extremely slow internet connection.

    You said, “However, during this experience I lost a part of what I once had that I’ve not been able to reclaim, the thought of being lost is ever on my mind.”

    WOW! Your faith has been shaken!!! How I feel for you!!!!

    I was just reading the verses earlier that said that whoever denies Jesus before men, Jesus will deny them to the Father. And whoever acknowledges Jesus before men, Jesus will acknowledge them to the Father.

    You have most certainly acknowledged Jesus before men!

    All I can counsel you is to stay in the Word. The Bible says faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word. That is the way to rebuild your faith. It may take a while, but God’s word will not return to him void. It will accomplish what it is supposed to accomplish.

    I like the verse another poster wrote… you will find Him when you seek Him with all of your heart.

    You are in my prayers.

  9. I have had Morgellons symptoms for 7 years now and this has been very challenging, especially as my spouse has developed Parkinsons at age 46. This infection has forced me onto a spiritual path, an awakening to help me survive. My beliefs about what God is has changed after reading books by Neale Walsch, Conversations with God series, The Four Agreements by Ruiz, Eckhart Tolle The Power of Now, The New Earth. Tolle’s books are based on alot of Eastern religions (Zen Buddhism, Sufism, Hinduism and the Bible) .
    Tolle says that “the primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it”. By reading these books, taking a Stress Mindfulness meditation course (which I highly recommend) and doing yoga, I am learning how to live in the Present Moment and at times gain more inner peace despite the challenges around me. This is a growing and learning process and is easier to do on days when I feel less sick.
    It is important to focus on things that will keep your hope alive (a picture of your favourite place, laughter, beautiful music etc). Each person has their own tools. A meditative type of yoga (Kripalu, Hatha) helps build inner strength and also helps the immune system. Visualizing your body healing itself may help also. Adam a Dream/Energy healer has created books and CDs about this.

    Focus on your herbal and diet regime to help keep your health in the best state that you can achieve. For me raw Garlic (helps brain fog and head pain), Garlic capsules, Pomegranate by Solaray, Black Walnut tincture from Genestra, parasite cleases, diet changes (no gluten, try to avoid sugar), filtered water.
    I have read several sites saying that Dr. Staninger recommends far infared light treatment. I haven’t tried it yet. Does anyone know if this helps?

    I have found it best to keep an open mind. The Mayans and others predicted that the time leading up to 2012 is part of a global conciousness change, or in biblical terms an Awakening. Light will shine onto the darkness, old ways will change.This is happening in so many ways in our world right now. Perhaps humans will become aware that we are all One, that we are spiritual beings all connected. It is possible that Morgellons is part of this process.

    Your common-sense attitude and courage expressed in your website has helped lift my spirits many times. Together we can all help each other and find ways to raise awareness and find a solution.

    Prayers of good health and peace to you and your family.

  10. Mr. CS, I have thought about your situation all night.

    Yours is the ONLY place I have found on the net that combines common sense and trust in God — and is Christian-friendly. All the others focus on the disease and its awful symptoms. You focus on healing and research.

    I am not surprised that your faith is under severe attack. You are doing so many people so much good, the enemy of our souls would probably love to shut your witness down.

    • herehoping said:

      Sharon: I totally agree with that.

      Jade: I love the spiritual teachings of Eckhart Tolle. He along with Richard Rohr changed my life. Thru their teachings I was able to find my Lord. If you have never heard Richard Rohr you have to pick up the audio he has called “Great Themes of Scripture” It is incredible!!! I recommend it to everyone. And for those of us who don’t know how to quiet our minds Eckhart Tolles Power of Now is a must. 🙂

  11. Let me just say that I am greatly humbled by your comments and I am sorry that I dumped this on you yesterday, you come here for hope and support and I probably shouldn’t have posted such a down trodden message. I’m glad the Christian message is so well recieved here, I often think everytime I make a post with Christian message I’m going to drive people away, and I don’t want to alienate people that need help, I never want that to happen and hope that even non-Christians still find this a place where they are welcome because they are.

    I have certainly not renounced God or anything like that, I miss that incredible closeness I once felt and if I had that again the rest of this experience would be but a minor nuisance. Ann, I do hope this blog is part of the reason why I have Morgellons, I have often thought of that, and Sharon, certainly no reason to apologize.

    I have read all of your replies and appreciate every one of them, you don’t know how much. I do believe I am under attack and have been for some time, but much of it is my fault. I’ve been so busy with two full time jobs I’ve neglected the most important thing in my life, but that has got to change. I realize that the incredible anxiety I am dealing with is “allowed” pressure from the Lord to come home. I know enough to realize that there is no reason to have this kind of anxiety given the truth that I know.

    I believe this is a turning point for me, I felt something special about this year, perhaps this is the reason.

  12. Sister to Common Sense said:

    Dear MCS,
    Having a down day is not dumping, it is human and you are humane. You have worked very hard with others and have helped many.
    I didn’t sleep much last night and did a lot of praying, there are a lot of really spiritual people out there with this disease.
    There are people of many faiths but the message you give pertains to many faiths.
    I live in an area where there are Buddhists, Christians, Muslims, Jehovahs Witnesses, Mormons, Jews, Catholics, Baptists and other denominations. I guess I believe in tolerance and I try to learn about what it is that they believe.
    I know persons with this are of many faiths and they are searching to be at one with “God” or whatever we want to call the power that they pray to.
    If someone is not open to the Christian Message that you send to the group then they don’t have to be here. Just know that many are praying for you right here and now and that you are loved.
    Keep up the Good Work, Keep up your faith and Take a weekend off to nurture yourself.
    We all Love You,
    Sister to Common Sense

  13. I think with this post you put in words which many of us have been thinking/feeling for awhile. Why am I going through this suffering? It’s not just ANY suffering but an intense suffering. Where is God? Why hasn’t He rescued me yet? I’m trying to believe but all too often I feel so lonely… And it goes on and on… Without speaking for others, I certainly appreciate this post.

    I thought I was getting punished from God for years and years of running away. For all the bad things I’ve done in my life. Or perhaps disciplining me as a father would (a beat down). But I’ve also been told, “that’s not God’s character” to punish you like this… He is a God of grace and mercy. Our sins are forgiven…. It sucks but the reality is that we live in a fallen world and crap just happens and maybe this is one of them. I know, not comforting. So I’m right there with you or others with my struggle with my faith. Sometimes I get really angry. Sometimes really bitter. And once in awhile, I manage to have happiness trickle in but it doesn’t long last once I remember what’s happening to me. But you know what? At the end of the day, for me, if I don’t believe, what else do I have? I have tried EVERYTHING. I’m hanging on by a thread but I have to keep believing… I am NOT going to the grave with morgellons!!!

    If God is disciplining me, I pray that He do so gently. In Psalms, David prayed for God to discipline him gently. Apparently I had it all mixed up. I thought all along that disciplining meant God is going to unleash fury… Then my sister told me that no, that’s not the case. Discipline can simply mean to teach… and teach without anger… that’s when I realized that He really is my Father… not out to torment me or beat me down but to teach me what he wants to teach me. Ok, I’ll stop here 😉

    • kix, can I ever relate!!!

      One thing I read one time that really resonated with me is that God’s discipline, like a good Father’s, is ALWAYS corrective, NEVER punitive.

      Hope that helps. 🙂

  14. lynne st pierre said:

    Mr.CS. Something you said in your first post here struck me as familiar. You said you don’t “FEEL” the connection. I know exactly what you are talking about. This feeling is energetic in nature. When I became infected I was at an all time high energetically. I felt deeply connected but that feeling went away. Since then I have been operating without the feeling part. It’s as if a grey cloud was placed over me and whatever grace and light I was receiving from above had no way through to me. I met a spiritual mentor who had some effect on energetically removing the cloud and I have been taught to generate feeling from within. This is really helping. During meditation, I visualize light and compassion in my heart center, and as the field grows I radiate this light and love out to all sentient beings for healing and the removal of all obscurations. This lights me up and practice makes the experience stronger. I still dont FEEL like I did before but that does’nt mean that I wont achieve a greater connection than the one I felt before. At least I no longer feel like a grey cloud is covering me. I am thankful for the blessings and I wish the same for you.

  15. Dear Mr.CS,
    I love the Word of God. We are praying,kimmie,I and johnny B. for the breaking of strong holds.
    2Tim.v 9-14 And because I preach this Good news I am suffering.and have been chained like a criminal. But the word of God cannot be chained. So I am willing to endure anything if it will bring salvation and eternal glory in Christ Jesus to those God chooses.
    This is a trustworthy saying.If we die with him, we will also live with him. If we endue hardship we will reign with him, If we deny him he wil ldeny us, If we are unfaithful,(((((the reeeallly good part here))))) …he remains faithful, for He cannot deny who He is.

    I am so thank ful for His steadfast love.
    Bless you,
    Pammie mae

  16. Hey Mr.CS,
    You are awesome. Infection with Morgs draws much of the bodies energy to fight it, therefore reducing energetic and emotional connectedness. I have added wheatgrass juice and fresh green juices to my daily diet. This has added a mesure of vitality and clarity and yes spiritual connectedness that I have not had in 20 years, though I still have morgs. In the past years I have dicided not to waste precious energy fretting about this situation. I focus on health and love. Here are some links that may be of benefit to the curious.
    Emotional Freedom Technique http://www.emofree.com/
    Wheatgrass http://www.energiseforlife.com/wordpress/2009/05/22/wheatgrass-health-benefits/ Use fresh juice not pills.
    Green Juice http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhh1JOJK6mI&feature=related

    Thanks for your blog,

    Cat

  17. Thanks To You MRCS!

    We are promised through our belief upon Jesus Christ that our tests shall be turned into testimonies! This is exactly what you have done, even though you may not realize it just yet. I am forever indebted to you for your research and your blog. I was lucky, and found your blog within days of realizing what this was that was afflicting me. I was able to start a lions share of your poor mans protocol and am doing 80% better now.

    When this started, I sequestered myself from all my friends, because I knew I could not live with passing it on. Of course, when it started I thought it was lice, then scabies or some other mite (still believe it may have started with scabies, but that’s another story). I realized what this was just two months ago, and am now in recovery enough to visit my friends again and put away the dreadful thoughts of spreading this horrific affliction. Thanks To YOU!

    The first two months were nothing short of horrifying, only sleeping 2 hours a day because the bugs racing across my body would not let me sleep any more than that. I also went through the shaking of my faith, but mostly because I looked at it as a punishment! Now I view it as more of a sign of the times, and my anger is directed at our government, agencies, and world leaders for making it possible for this dreadful disease to exist without proper medical help to be found.

    Because of your blog and research, there are many of us that are learning to live again. How much closer to God’s work can you get? My faith is renewed and probably much stronger than before, my only hope is that I can help as many people as you are helping. In no way do I feel like your post is dumping on anyone, but rather bringing up the inner turmoil that we all go through with this affliction. This is one of the most important aspects of this “disease” because it has the ability to shake us to our core and leave us questioning all our actions in life. I am glad you wrote this, because we all need to face the spiritual aspect as well as the physical, in order to truly heal properly.

    Morgellons is not a punishment to those who have sinned, but rather a plague meant to determine who is strong enough to survive even the most adverse of conditions. Before getting on the protocol I actually considered suicide almost daily, so if you need a testimony before God, I for one will be on the front line! Remember always that the sins of the believers are already covered by Christ’s blood!
    May the Lord richly bless you MR. CS!
    Matthew

  18. Matthew, I am so glad to hear your testimony and the fact that you are doing 80% better, though we may never meet here on earth we shall rejoice in Heaven, and I’m glad you didn’t end it all, and to be honest I was right there with you when this all started. But it was never really a possibility on my part. I’ll be honest, when I hear reports of people doing better because of this blog it brings me great joy, not only that you are getting better, but it validates my own thoughts on how to approach this terrible condition.

    It is my hope that eventually we can help most of the people that come here. I agree with you and others regarding the spirtual battle, its a huge aspect of this disease. Since this post I have been reflecting a lot about things, especially how this blog came about, I wanted to create a place that is safe because I so desparately needed a place like this when I first came down with Morgellons. I really feel connected to all of you, in fact, tears are welling up in my eyes right now just thinking about all of this.

    John from Logos Nutritionals called me the morning after I made this post (I hope he doesn’t mind me saying so), it was definitely a devine appointment, I cried, he listened and offered me comfort and great words of wisdom, words from the bible. He impressed on me the importance of this blog to many folks which often escapes me, there are so many readers but not near as many comments so I don’t grasp the impact it might be having. I’m very glad you guys have been so accepting of my faults. I don’t really consider this so much my blog but “our blog” because everyone has been so great I feel this is a collaboration of support and a quest for living a life as symptom free as possible.

  19. Matthew, I second what you wrote here:
    “In no way do I feel like your post is dumping on anyone, but rather bringing up the inner turmoil that we all go through with this affliction. This is one of the most important aspects of this “disease” because it has the ability to shake us to our core and leave us questioning all our actions in life. I am glad you wrote this, because we all need to face the spiritual aspect as well as the physical, in order to truly heal properly.”
    So true! And I love it when people use the word heal instead of the word cure–shows a better, more holistic understanding of disease, in my opinion.

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