I Wish

I wish that my parents were never divorced, 
   as a boy of nine my world crumbled
I wish that I knew and walked with God from an early age,
   maybe then so often I wouldn't have stumbled
I wish I would have made an effort to stay in contact with my friends,
   I've lost them all now trading them in for loneliness and despair
I wish I was a better father to my children and better husband to my wife
   but I fear I've wrecked all these things beyond repair
I wish I had the strength to free myself from this paralyzing fear
   I am stalked by a demon by the name of anxiety and he's always around
I wish I could be the man of my youth, unafraid, fearless, a conqueror
   but he suffered such a defeat no trace of him can be found
I wish I would get up tomorrow and finally answer that phone
   There's someone who's been trying to reach me but I hang up on him
I wish I knew why I resist this invitation to come back home
   knowing full well there's a chance this call may never come again
I wish I could go back to when I was a small child playing in the back yard
   just one do over, this time I'll get it right
I wish I knew that when I got older things were going to be so damned hard
   if only I had known I would have prepared for the fight

Comments on: "I Wish" (7)

  1. Mr. Common Sense said:

    I hope you don’t mind me getting so personal, I just need to pour my heart out, life is full of highs and lows, they all make life worth living.

  2. I wish you happiness and the ability to realize how many lives you have touched.
    You are a special and unique man, we are all blessed to have you in our lives.
    God Bless us all.

  3. I am so impressed and moved by your openness. You are truly a deep person. I love that about you!
    Through the big “M” I isolated, it changed me and how I interact with friends and family. I think this was my way to protect them from the horror I was feeling.
    Anxiety was smeared on every interaction. I too always believed life was made up of highs and lows but now find my self on a rail line that takes many differents tracks, some happy, some so sad I think I will die.
    Just remember God is still in charge and as long as there is “breath” still left in us, there are possibilities to “repair” damaged relationships.
    May God give you the comfort you have so freely given to so many anonymous suffers, me included. I count you as my friend even though we never met or talked.

  4. Dude – you need to get STRONG again…
    If you’re physically strong your mood and everything else
    will follow. I was SO sick before…
    In 2007 (and 08) I could barely lift the remote control –
    which didn’t really matter since my brainfog was so bad
    that I could barely follow a plot on TV. I couldn’t think.
    Not to mention the pain etc. Anyhow – I have since recovered.
    Food is VERY important. To much acidity (from coffeee, red meat,
    liqour etc) makes you low – too much salt (chips, snacks…) can
    actually cause panic. It may sound strange – but it’s true.
    Here’s a few tips: Eat lots of spinach. (Seriously.)
    Soup is my favourite. Like – every day for a while.
    And – Obs! Try Ginko Biloba. It’s great for blood/circulation.
    And it enhances the conciousness/memory slightly.
    And Green tea (pills) – somehow this sharpens the mind.
    And – we all miss the 80’s.
    Most of all perhaps the music. The groove. Oh well.

  5. Judging from the poem, we have a lot in common. God bless you.

  6. I wish that you receive healing for your anxiety, your spirit and your health.

    I wish that you feel supported by God and his helpers (angels, guides) or whatever you believe. Ask and you shall receive. Remember to be open to receiving.

    I wish you hope and courage.

    Take one breath at a time, stay in the present moment, use all of your senses to feel the present moment. Be the watcher of your breath and your thoughts. You only have the present moment. The future does not exist yet and the past is finished.

    The books by Eckhart Tolle called The Power of Now, and Practising The Power of NowI are very good at explaining how to be present and help calm your mind.
    You could also try Mindfulness Meditation by Jon Kabbat Zinn.

    A good way to heal the past it to forgive those that have hurt you. Also forgive yourself for your past mistakes. “It is something you do for yourself, for the sake of your own inner freedom. You forgive so that you can live in the present instead of being stuck in the past”

    Please be kind to yourself, you have been ill with a condition that affects your mind, but remember you are not the illness. You are a kind and generous person and have helped me and so many others. Please open your heart to receive help from others.

    I have found that Garlicforce by NewChapter, and tumeric and OmegaJoy fish oil helps my brain.

    Love and light to you Mr. C

  7. what am i trying to say here……..
    you are so brave.
    the phone ringing used to send me screaming. a knock on the door gave me a heart attack.
    i could not leave a response to this post when i first read it because when i look back and i think of the anxiety i lived with..it raises the hair on the back of my neck.
    my shoulders start jerking like they used to and when i think about how i gasped for air it starts again. it is hard to think about and it is hard to explain.
    when i read those words you wrote it is clear to me you “get it”.
    anxiety is pain (the kind i can tell you are talking about).
    some miracle came and i for now am free, but honestly i would break my own arm first, if it meant keeping that hell away..
    as i am now feeling better and having the energy to really read all your posts, i more and more understand what a bad ass you really are. i say that with the utmost respect

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